Searching for the Beautiful Self:
Avoiding the Gaze

In an attempt to wrestle with archaic beauty standards, I wanted to paint different versions of myself.  

 

This process was deeply troubling, and frightening, because not only did I force myself to look at every aspect of my face, intensely, for hours, but avoid the dualistic thinking that comes with my reflection every day. The repetitive, “I look pretty,” or more frequently, “I look tired and sad, lonely and ugly.

 

Trying to be positive and beautiful in the painting of these images made me reflect on what it means to be looked at, by myself, and by others. In a way, painting the self made me realize that while my outward image is significant, it is not the defining thing of my being.